Mental Mess

Today i've just realised that the mess I've made of my room--not picking up my clothes once i take them off; not making my bed; leaving empty plates and glasses on my bedside table for days, is really just my subconscious way of making my mental mess physical.

I've been dealing with stress and uncertainty for months--not to say it's to a huge level, my life is pretty alright, but to the level where it's got me going crazy.

When will i ever see my friends again?
Going to sydney might sound good right now, but is it?
What if all the decisions I'm making right now are wrong and I end up deeply regretting them?
What if i won't though?

I mean, who am I to trust right now?

The girl who can't even pick up after herself (and won't allow others to because she wants to do it herself to prove herself that she can)?

Anyways, this was supposed to go into my think book, it's not a diary, because i don't care who reads it.
I don't write personal stuff, i don't write facts.

I just write feelings.

And that is what this is too.

The Bitch.

Why do I have to be the bad guy? Breaking up isn't always bad, right? What if breaking up was the only option? What if breaking up was the best option?

Most people don't appreciate that the person choosing to initiate the break-up has it really hard. Sure, whenever we picture someone dumping someone, we picture them as the dick who ruined the relationship because they didn't care enough or they wanted someone else more. But what if the person ending the relationship is the brave one? They're the one who is willing to accept the responsibility. They're willing to say, "This is the right choice for both of us."

What's the best option between breaking your best friend's heart now, or not wanting to hurt them now and hurting them even more later? Bite the bullet. Take the hit. It's painful, like a plunge into ice cold water. But like the body, your heart and mind slowly adjust to the change in atmosphere. You know that you're there alone, and you're making the decision for two people, but you've got to be sure it's the right one. And you are sure that it's the right one. Or at least that's what you hope.

But why the hell does having the guts to be honest make you a bad person? Why does it have to mean that you've victimized the other person somehow? Sure, he's hurting right now. But I know that I'm hurting knowing I've hurt him. I still wouldn't take it back, knowing I couldn't make myself love him and knowing I'd just make him more unhappy later.

There's no easy way out, but I'm not a villain for making the choice. Don't make the mistake that this decision was easy for me.

What I do.

I’m scared of falling for him. I have never been in love before.

And he’s not mine to fall for, she had him first, but I have only known her for less than a year and shes never been the best friend, and she lies about him to make me jealous. She says she is still in love with him, but she broke up with him in February and he tried to get her back for months, she only wants him when she can't have him. But I’m not that girl, i'm not the girl who 'steals' their friends ex of three years, but she cant be his forever. And she treated him horribly he didn’t deserve it, but he did it to her too. Cheating lying and manipulating is what they do. They both hurt each other so much and I don’t want him to hurt me, I don’t know if I can trust him, but I do, my heart trusts him. Why. I have just been dragged into the big of this big mess.

He wants to be with me, he’s told me he wants me, he knows that we click. I want him too but is that only because I’m not allowed him, you always want what you cant have isn’t that how these things work? Or do I want him because I like him, I like talking to him, I like seeing him, he gets me, when I talk to him I get so excited, I tried ignoring him, but I cant I cant even bring myself to not text him back, because I want him. He didn't talk to me for three days and it killed me, I went off with another boy and he found out and got so angry, does he not understand he hurts me too. But will it be worth it? I’m scared of getting hurt and I will have lost a friend and him all for nothing, but is it nothing? I really don’t know what to think or what to do, he started it, what did he expect to happen? That saying ‘never give up on someone you cant go a day without thinking about’ just doesn’t work, the risk of people getting hurt is just too big, but you have to jump before you fall for someone, do I leap?

And then there is the other boy, who is so sweet and perfect for me. He had been there for a while but he was always with other people and our paths just didn’t cross that often. Hes nice but he’s not too nice, he’s interesting and I wouldn’t get bored of him and funny but he’s so casual I don’t know if it will ever be anything more, I would never want to hurt him but he could hurt me. And he’s living in the same city as me, not moving away like everyone else. Its just sparks and games at the moment, the games are fun but can only go on so long, and then what? So why do I still want the other boy more, what is wrong with me?

Who do I choose, what do I do. I want to be in love though, its all around me, I don’t want to be alone, I want to experience that feeling, its all part of growing up, I want my very own teenage romance. I want snuggles and winter days in bed together and someone to hold my hand and love me for me and kiss me on the head..

- T

It's starts HERE

I'll be completely honest.
I'm the kind of cheesy, hopeless romantic who goes around reading other people's heartbreak stories just so I don't have to write down my own.
And all the time, I find myself reading on the edge of my chair because I know the feeling all too well.

These aren't my stories. But they might as well have been.

I don't know who writes them, but I love every single one of them.